I just wanted to share a few thoughts on my mind.
I've been home from my mission for a little over 6 months now, and what a ride it's been. These last months have been some of the hardest months, and yet now I feel like I am in a good place. I'm HAPPY.
I came home from my mission thinking "I won't have a weird transition stage, I'm excited for the next chapter of life, I'm not living in the past" etc etc... Those thoughts were mostly true, but I found that there were still some lessons coming my way... and the really good and long lasting lessons usually come at a price.
Disappointments only follow some sort of expectation we place on our lives. Expecting a relationship to work out, expecting that we will be able to get a job, expecting ourselves to be able to jump in and find friends fast are a few things we might envision for ourselves when we come home. Sometimes we are pleasantly surprised, as I was to have a great job offered to me from President Toombs. Such a blessing. But sometimes, we are disappointed when those expectations and hopes don't happen. (I realize some of my expectations weren't realistic, and people are people! Ya have to roll with it)
I won't go into details, but after a few times of letting my heart be vulnerable, and then being hurt, I was just a little lost. Looking around me I saw all my friends were married, having kids, or well on their way of being married. I was.... well.... lonely. I was in choir surrounded by great people, and yet spent most of time feeling so misunderstood. I worked really hard in school to manage the workload I had there and decided I was just going to be "dating" my textbooks that semester. Too bad they aren't that good of company.
With that premise, I want to share what I learned from those months:
*When I served others I ALWAYS felt better, because I forgot myself.
*There is beauty in experiencing opposition. It's ok to have days when you don't feel very happy. Being honest with myself on how I was feeling was one way to feel understood at least by one person, me.
*In this struggle I got to understand a little more of what the Savior felt in His life. He was One who knew what it was like to be misunderstood by others around Him. And yet He loved the most, and was the kindest soul to live on the Earth.
*It's all too easy to make people think I was happy from your instagram posts. I have to resist that urge to get validation of my life from how many likes my picture gets. It's hollow. I had to seek validation from the Lord instead.
*Comparison is the thief of joy. What is right for someone's life doesn't mean it is right for my life right now. I have incredible friends and roommates who were always willing to listen. I had to remind myself to stop being ungrateful for what I had because I could only see what I didn't have.
*There are four seasons in nature, and seasons in our life. Why complain about the winter when you can be grateful for the moisture that will prepare the world for a beautiful spring and summer? I just decided that this was just a season of my life that I needed to appreciate.
*I would rather be alone with my dignity, than want to be with someone who doesn't see me for who I am.
*In loving myself and recognizing good in myself I was then welcoming others to see good too.
*My roommate Liz shared this thought with me:
"Imagine you are in a valley right before sunrise. It is chilly, and you have almost made it through the night. Faith is knowing that the sun will rise even though you can't see it yet. Hope is being grateful and excited for the sun to warm your skin. You know and hope that it will be good. So good."
Ultimately, what was needed the past 6 months was more hope and faith. Faith in an adoring Heavenly Father who was acutely aware of my struggles and who was eager to bless in unexpected ways as He shaped this experience for my greatest benefit. Faith that He had a plan for me, even if I still have no idea what that plan is. And the hope that it will be wonderful. I am really really grateful for where I'm at now in my mind and heart; the sun is warming my skin, and it feels good. So good.
From me to you,
Kinzie Lou
